Hello, arachnophobic friends! Boy, do we have some doozy news for you.

A new research suggests that spiders could eat every human on the planet in one year. The cynic in me also suggests that this might be a publicity spin for the upcoming Spider-Man movie.

The study, shared by The Washington Post, that our eight-legged friends could munch on our human bodies if they suddenly had a knack for it. I was waiting for a segue to the upcoming Marvel movie event, Spider-Man: Homecoming, but alas, there is none. We are, theoretically, living in a prologue to a 50’s spider monster movie.

While Thadeus J. Spider is currently out of the job (shout out to the SourceFed crew who sadly recently bid their final adieu on YouTube), WaPo’s analysis of Researchers Martin Nyffeler and Klaus Birkhofer’s study—in which it states that spiders eat between 400 and 800-million tons of prey per year—is clearly positive about spiders being capable ending us all if they felt the need to. We are safe, for now, but musician and novelist John Darnielle of the indie folk band Mountain Goats is petitioning Senator Al Franklin help make this be a reality.

The petition reads:

“While we, the undersigned, are certain the spiders are doing the best they can, it’s clear that they could use some help. We call on the United States government to utilize whatever resources it deems necessary and effective to help the spiders in their noble cause. We’re sending our petition to Sen. Al Franken because he’s one of the few people in Washington who we sort of half-trust to not initiate surveillance on us or flag our tax returns for signing such a petition.”

Unsurprisingly, the internet was quick to catch on, drawing in hundreds of petitioners joining the cause. Hey, if we’re all going to go, there’s no better way to than being Spider-lunches, right?

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here